Introduction
I know I’ve already written about marriage before, but I want to get deeper into Scripture—particularly what Paul says in his letters. The most well-known passage, of course, is Ephesians 5:22–33, but we can also touch on 1 Corinthians 7–9 and a few other writings. We’ll focus primarily on Ephesians 5, since it’s often used to justify male dominance and to diminish women through the misuse of the Hebrew word ezer in describing Eve. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t mean that.)
The Passage
Ephesians 5:22–33 (ESV)¹
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
“See? The Man Is in Charge!”
I know a lot of men who read verses 22–24 and say, “See? The man is in charge!” While there must be a head of the household, that doesn’t mean a license to dominate. The word “submit” in verse 22 isn’t even directly there in Greek; it’s inferred from the prior verse. The verb ὑποτάσσεται (hypotassetai), “submit” or “be subject to,” appears earlier, and the phrase “wives, to your husbands” borrows its sense from that.²
In other words, Paul’s point isn’t “I’m the man, what I say goes.” We have to read it in context—and context starts a verse earlier.
Mutual Submission Comes First
Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That’s the hinge. Everything that follows flows from that verse.¹
And before anyone insists, “But there’s a chapter break!”—those didn’t exist in the original texts. The chapter and verse divisions, along with headings, were added centuries later. Ancient listeners heard these letters read aloud as continuous thought.
This helps us read Paul correctly. The command for mutual submission in verse 21 sets the tone for what follows in Christian households—husbands and wives alike, submitting out of reverence for Christ.
Why Context in Ephesus Mattered
The city of Ephesus was a center of pagan worship, home to the Temple of Artemis. The local culture heavily featured female religious authority. When Paul writes here—and in 1 Timothy 2:12 (“I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man”)—he’s addressing a specific cultural distortion, not issuing a universal gag order.³
The Greek word translated “authority” in that verse is αὐθεντεῖν (authentein), a rare word that means “to usurp” or “to seize control illegitimately.” Paul was warning against importing pagan, domineering behavior into the Christian church.⁴
So when Paul calls for wives to “submit” and husbands to “love,” he’s leveling the field, not stacking it. He’s telling everyone to practice humility and self-sacrifice in their roles.
Misreading Respect and Love
Years ago, a woman told me she couldn’t believe the Bible because it says women must submit to men and respect them, but men aren’t told to respect women. I was a baby Christian at the time, but looking back, that’s just a misunderstanding of Scripture.
Pulling single verses out of context is dangerous. It’s as bad as building an entire theology on one verse without considering the rest of the passage.
A Quick Detour: Jesus on Divorce
Let’s look briefly at Matthew 19:3–9, where the Pharisees test Jesus on divorce. He replies that from the beginning, God designed marriage to unite man and woman as one flesh, and what God joins, no one should separate.⁵
When they press Him on why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus explains:
“Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.”
He then adds the famous clause:
“Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality (πορνεία, porneia), and marries another, commits adultery.”
“Porneia” is a broad term—root of our word pornography—and refers to sexual sin generally, not just adultery. In other words, Jesus gives one clear exception, but His larger point is about the hardness of human hearts. God’s intent was always faithfulness.
Modern Divorce and Giving Up Too Easily
I’ve been married since April 17, 1999—26 and a half years as I write this. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing. There have been moments when either of us might have been ready to walk away.
So I don’t dismiss the pain or frustration that can come in marriage. But I also believe too many people give up far too easily. Divorce has become “on demand.”
The top five reasons American couples give for divorce are:
- Lack of commitment
- Infidelity
- Constant conflict or poor communication
- Financial stress
- Unrealistic expectations or marrying too young
The first two fall under Jesus’ “sexual immorality” exception—because a lack of commitment often leads to infidelity. But the rest? Those are heart issues. They’re the opposite of what Paul commands in Ephesians 5.
If both partners lived by verse 21—“submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”—those five reasons would practically disappear.
When Divorce Is the Right Choice
Now, before anyone says, “So you think people should stay in abusive marriages?”—absolutely not.
If one spouse is abusive, manipulative, or emotionally destructive, that marriage has already been defiled. God does not command anyone to endure harm in the name of “submission.” A loveless marriage where one party refuses to reflect Christ’s love is not the picture Paul paints.
Ephesians 5:25–33 commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church—to the point of sacrifice. That kind of love leaves no room for abuse, cruelty, or neglect.¹
Agape: The Love That Changes Everything
Paul’s command for husbands to love uses the word ἀγαπάτω (agapao), the same root as agape—the word used in John 3:16.⁶
Rick Renner explains it this way:
“Agape describes a divine love that gives and gives, even if it’s never responded to, thanked, or acknowledged… It is a self-sacrificial love that moves the lover to action.”⁷
That’s the kind of love God pours into believers through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). It’s not emotional fluff; it’s the active, self-giving, unconditional love that only God can generate in us.⁸
When Paul tells husbands to love their wives this way, he’s not saying, “Buy her flowers now and then.” He’s saying, “Lay down your life—your ego, your comfort, your preferences—for her good.”
For me, that might mean letting her pick the movie or the restaurant, or biting my tongue instead of insisting on being right. It’s small stuff, but it reflects a much bigger heart posture.
What About Eve as “Helper”?
And now for the famous argument: “But Eric, Eve was created as Adam’s helper! That means she’s beneath him, right?”
Sit tight while I quit laughing.
God called Eve ezer (עֵ֖זֶר) in Genesis 2:18—translated “helper.” But applying our modern sense of “helper” (like a plumber’s assistant) to an ancient Hebrew term is wildly off-base.⁹
Ezer appears 21 times in the Old Testament. Twice for Eve, three times for nations aiding Israel, and sixteen times for God Himself as our help—our rescuer, protector, deliverer.
As Philip Payne notes in Man and Woman: One in Christ:
“The noun ezer does not suggest ‘servant,’ but help, savior, rescuer, protector—as in ‘God is our help.’ In no other occurrence does it refer to an inferior, but always to a superior or an equal.”¹⁰
So no, ezer doesn’t imply subjugation. It points to strength and partnership.
The Final Word
Men, stop using Scripture to turn your wife into your object. If you do, you’ll quickly find yourself without one—and I’d support her in that.
Your wife is not your subordinate; she’s your treasure. She’s to be cherished, loved, and honored—not controlled.
Ephesians 5 paints a picture of marriage not built on domination but on mutual submission and divine love. Husbands are called to agape their wives—to love like Christ loved the Church. Wives are called to honor that love. Together, they reflect the mystery of Christ and His bride—the Church.
When both live that way, “giving up” stops being an option, and the covenant of marriage becomes the living image of God’s faithfulness.
Footnotes
¹ Ephesians 5:22–33 (English Standard Version). ↩ ↩² ↩³
² The Greek verb ὑποτάσσεται (hypotassetai) is a present middle/passive form of ὑποτάσσω, appearing in Ephesians 5:21 and carried over elliptically to 5:22 in the original text. See standard Greek New Testament editions, e.g., Nestle-Aland Novum Testamentum Graece, 28th ed. ↩
³ 1 Timothy 2:12 (ESV). ↩
⁴ The hapax legomenon αὐθεντεῖν (authentein) in the New Testament; its sense of illegitimate usurpation is supported by lexical studies in BDAG (Bauer-Danker-Arndt-Gingrich Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, 3rd ed.) and extra-biblical parallels. ↩
⁵ Matthew 19:3–9 (ESV). ↩
⁶ John 3:16 (ESV); ἀγαπάτω in Ephesians 5:25, 28 is imperative from ἀγαπάω. ↩
⁷ Rick Renner, Sparkling Gems from the Greek (Tulsa, OK: Harrison House, 2003), entry on agape. ↩
⁸ Romans 5:5 (ESV). ↩
⁹ Genesis 2:18 (ESV); Hebrew עֵ֖זֶר (ʿēzer). ↩
¹⁰ Philip B. Payne, Man and Woman, One in Christ: An Exegetical and Theological Study of Paul’s Letters (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2009), 61–62. ↩
Rooted & Reckoned 
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